"I always thought that I would love to live by the sea. To travel the world... and live more simply." -Dido
So, big news - Tim and I are moving to Indonesia! We are going to go teach people how to scuba dive and lead trips in the oceans of the world.
As we prepare for this transition, we are selling or giving away nearly everything we own. And I do mean everything. I won't be taking my silverware and cooking pots to Indonesia. I won't be shipping my Ford Explorer to Indonesia. I won't need my boots or running shoes or mary-janes on our sandy island. It is a very interesting place to be - downsizing to three boxes of sentimental items (which will remain here) and a single backpack (that will come with). Sometimes it is a struggle and sometimes it is very freeing. And one of the major things that comes up in this process is non-attachment.
The first time the concept of non-attachment was presented to me, I misunderstood it. I was 22 and I thought that in order to not be attached to things, you had to not care about them, and I thought there was no way I could ever master being non-attached because quite simply, I cared too much. But lately I have learned that those who are non attached still care, it is that they understand that things in their core essence are just energy and that can be transferred to another type of energy. You have heard that famous Einstein idea that 'energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but can change form'? It is a lot like that. For example, I am selling my car. The energy/money tied up in the car will then turn into enough money to fund all expenses for three months in Indonesia. I didn't loose the car, I exchanged it, and gained three months of exploration.
Looking at non-attachment this way reminds me a lot of the old barter system, before there was a confirmed currency, people would trade things they had for things they need.
This week I have been asked, "Why not keep the car for the future when you come back?" I explain that for me it is about living in the present. When I am present, living on a 3 mile wide island in Indonesia, I will have no use for a car parked in Oregon. I can walk everywhere or simply take a camel. (Joking) But seriously, why keep energy tied up in a car 8,000 miles and possibly years away from me? Why not exchange it for energy that applies better to my present and less to "one day"? I find that a lot of the stuff I acquire and keep is for "one day." You know, the things we keep for situations that have not happened yet, but that we like to think we would like to be prepared for in order to better control the outcome of. I may not have used the item for years, but am saving it - just in case. But in the mean time, over years of waiting for just in case, the item is holding unused energy. I guess I am saying that I feel that by selling the things that don't fit in the backpack, I am harnessing more energy to put in the backpack.
I think that a big part of our attachment is identity. We collect and keep things that symbolize who we are. In this way, we externalize ourselves - forgetting that what is inside of us is just as strong, valuable and eternal. If my friend says that his possessions are part of who he is, he is placing their energy into items he owns. If suddenly, all those items were wiped out and lost in some natural disaster, would my friend be lost too? If all of your identity is tied up in material things, and those things are gone suddenly, are you less of a person? Nothing outside of ourselves ever makes us whole. I suppose this is why I am grateful that I have always been one to collect experiences over things.
Its not bad to have nice things. It is not bad to collect material items. Hey, its not even bad to massively hoard stuff. It is just a choice, and I suppose I write this to explain why I have made a different choice and what I learned from it.
Non-attachment is about letting go of the old to embrace the new. And it is funny how, as I do that with things in my garage, I am reminded that the same is true of beliefs and ideas. I have emotional things I hold on to because I feel that they make me who I am - or at one point I believed that. Sure, you will always be a culmination of everything that has ever happened to you, but it is okay to let some things go. You get to decide what you keep replaying and what you don't. There are some hurtful things family members said to me in the past, but I choose to let those go and move forward and not continue to tell others the story of how I was hurt. Because all I am doing with that is bringing up the sadness of the past into the present. My present isn't sad so I let go of those stories, of those comments and free up space within for a different kind of story that matches better with my present. Like that time when my father called just to say he was proud of me, or when my mother wrote to me that she felt the best part of her was alive in me. Or when my sister and I were cleaning house and laughed until we cried over something silly. I forget exactly what that silly thing was now, but I remember the joy and I choose to retain that. The love I feel inside my skin when I bring up these memories is something that will always be with me and cannot be wiped out or diminished. The more I replay it, the more it is a part of me and my present.
Last week, I sold my whitewater kayak to a kindred spirit of travel. I stopped by to visit family on the way home and shared my excitement about selling my boat. My nephew Caleb, who is 8 asked, "You sold your kayak? Does that mean you are no longer a whitewater kayaker?"
I tried to explain to Caleb - "No, I am still a kayaker. It is not the kayak that makes me a kayaker. I could rent a boat tomorrow and I would still know how to read the water and navigate through rapids. My body remembers how to roll back up if I flip over. So being a kayaker is something that is inside of me. Just like riding a bike - even if you have not rode a bike for a long time, you remember how, right? That knowledge doesn't leave when you give your bike away to someone else."
I think he understood. But then again, he's 8, and non-attachment isn't something I understood at 8, or even at 18. And only now, in the place in my life where I am letting go of more than I ever have before, am I truly starting to grasp what it is. You are more than your shoes, your gear, your car, your phone. What makes you beautiful is not your shoes or the beautiful fabrics you adorn yourself with. What makes you unique isn't in your house, its housed inside of you. When we pull our energy out of material things and into ourselves, we reclaim our energy and the stronger we become. The more we are at home within ourselves, the less we need couches and beds and specific kitchen utensils - the more comfortable we can be anywhere, even 8,000 miles from the familiar.
"The Spiritual Life is always about letting go. It is never about holding on. Let go and be free." - Jesse Lee Peterson
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For those who love lists like I do, and are curious, below are my lists of things I am keeping and things I am letting go.
The Give Away / Part With or Sell List:
Car
Appliances
Furniture
Kitchen Utensils
Shoes
Clothing
Old Injuries
Limiting Beliefs
Boat, Paddle board, Climbing Shoes and Harness
Plants
My phone
I acknowledge that I can re-buy 99% of my physical possessions at any point in the future if I choose to. I never loose them for good, they were never truly mine in the first place. They do not make me who I am.
The Keep List:
Memories that uplift me.
Stories that support joy and love.
Friendships.
Things people made for me with their own two hands. Cards that people I love hand-wrote me messages in. (These things cannot be replaced.)
Three books - favorite stories in a format that is difficult to re-buy. Also, the books my grandmother Peg Mayo wrote.
As for the rest of the bookshelf - I catalogued all the titles so I can re-buy them if I get to a place in the world where I feel I want to have a bookshelf of favorites again. In the mean time, I let go of all my hundreds of books so that others may enjoy them.
My trunk of childhood things, journals, photos, family heirlooms and sentimental items.
One pair of chaco sandals, six dresses, two long sleeve tops, five tank tops, two skirts and a pair of yoga pants. One fuzzy hooded sweatshirt.
My camera. My Laptop.
Knowledge, experience and love.
