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During the three months of our Dive Master program, Tim and
I have had several instructors. I find
that the relationship with each one has been different. They are in a teacher role, but something
more. We are learning more than just
bookwork and physics from these good people, we are learning how they make
decisions, what their judgments are based on, and how they handle stressful
situations. In this way, our instructors
are more than just teachers, they are role models, and with that comes a bond,
a relationship. My current instructor’s
name is Mr. Osborne. He has trained over
300 Dive Master Candidates like myself, and has a huge experience base. He is also a very intelligent person (Oxford
trained), very thorough in his explanations, extremely detail orientated with
his curriculum and strict with his grading system. Overall, he is a very nice guy who somehow
manages to casually demand respect, focus and perfection from his candidates. As one Dive Master Candidate who worked under
Mr. Osborne told me before I came to this island, “Be careful. The last thing
you want to do is disappoint Mr. Osborne.”
And sure enough, after meeting him and working with him for a few weeks,
I find that I do try exceptionally hard to do exactly what he wants, in the
detailed order and quality that he expects.
It’s not that I idolize the man, I don’t want to be just like him, I
just really really don’t want to disappoint him.
Now the interesting part of this comes with Mr. Osborne’s teaching
style. As I have been training to become
an instructor, I have learned about how to give feedback to students so that
they feel good about what they can do and understand where they need to
improve. This is the classic ‘Compliment
Sandwich’: You tell them what they did right, followed by what they need to
work on, followed by another compliment on how well they did a particular
aspect of the skill. Compliment cookies
with criticism in the center. It sounded a bit silly at first. But now, as the student, I have learned just
how important the Compliment Sandwich is because I have not been getting any
sandwiches lately. Mr. Osborne’s style
is this: First, you perform a skillset while he observes and grades your
performance - This may be guiding divers underwater at a dive site, or rescuing
an unresponsive diver and towing them to the boat while giving rescue
breaths. When you come up from the
surface, he debriefs you on how you did by telling you what you’ve done wrong,
what you missed and what you need to improve on. Sometimes he just says that your performance
was unacceptable and you will be doing that skill again after extensive
practice.
After weeks of hearing what I have done wrong, I find it
starts to get into my head a little bit.
I have always thought of myself as a person with steady positive self-esteem,
but I have second guessed myself so much with this man. It is the classic reward/punishment behavior
where a child thinks of the punishment, fear arises and they are uncertain if
what they are doing is right and they grow timid. After confidently making a
choice that led to punishment when you were expecting reward, doubt starts to
sink in. The thing is, I am no longer a child.
It is common to give someone in a position of power (i.e. a
boss, an instructor, a father) the last word and the most credited opinion
based on the idea that they must be right because we look up to them and
respect them. But truly, when it comes
to the inner voice, it is your opinion of yourself that matters most, and it should
be your own inner voice that guides you and gives affirmation. How do we change this? Practice trusting
yourself, respecting yourself, being gentle with instead of hard on yourself.
It is a very important human process that takes years or even a lifetime. When you finally get to the point where your
knowledge of your value matters most over anyone else’s, that’s wonderful, and
soon someone may come along in a position of power and respect and criticize you
and make you remember the lesson all over again.
From a larger view, I
also realized that what I am feeling around Mr. Osborne is vaguely familiar from
my past. It has the same energy as an
unhealthy relationship. I don’t want to
be with someone who is cutting me down or pointing out what I have done wrong
all the time. Especially when I respect
the person, for that makes it difficult to not take to heart. I show up not knowing if he is going to bite
or kiss – will the debriefing be that I have failed or done right? When you go
into it thinking you did well and then hear otherwise, time and time again, it
starts to take an effect. In
relationships, I think it is a transfer of power. When you tell someone you are in a
relationship with what they have done wrong, or that they have disappointed
you, their energy immediately drops and yours becomes the stronger energy in
the room. If you tell someone you are
with what you appreciate about them, and where you see they tried hard to
please you or complete a task properly, the energy is uplifted instead. Then if you make suggestions on how they
could do things differently next time, or little details they should remember
later, their energy is already up, so it doesn’t drop as dramatically. Hence, the compliment sandwich, and how it
turns an unhealthy power play into a healthy relationship.
I was taking his negative feedback to heart, and clearly I
was taking it personally. (His feedback seemed directed at me and my performance,
but even so it was not necessary to take it personally.) When I get some distance from the situation,
with a stronger inner voice of my own, I can see that Mr. Osborne holds himself
to high standards of perfection. When
one of his students makes mistakes, perhaps he takes it as a personal failing
because he taught them the right way and when they do it wrong, it reflects on
him as a teacher.
Last night was our final exam. Tim and I both did very well, and passed with
As. Before the test, I felt like I
needed hours and hours to study to be sure I did things right. I was stressed. Mr. Osborne told me I could have thirty
minutes to study instead. I literally
set down my fork (I was in the middle of lunch) and ran to pick up my Dive
master manual and begin studying.
As I look back now, I realize that Mr. Osborne knew all
along how smart I was and that I didn’t need hours to study to pass the
exam. He didn’t say that in any way other
than his actions. And deep down, I know that
even though I was feeling very pressured, I knew the information to master
things all along. After the test, Mr.
Osborne said he needed to debrief us privately about our actions and behavior
in the program, and that we should return the following morning to have a
discussion. It was to the point that I
was so on edge – I wasn’t sure I would be able to sleep thinking of what he had
left to say – absolutely uncertain if it was going to be punishment or reward.
And, being caught up in the energy of the unhealthy relationship, I was full of
doubt and anxiety because I was waiting for his voice to have the last word,
not listening to my own voice telling me I knew I had done well. I know that if I stay in a close
relationship like that for too long, the stress can deteriorate my self- esteem
and the internal ground I have to stand on becomes shaky and doubtful. It was a beautiful reminder to me that I do
not want unhealthy relationships like this in my life in any form, and now that
the energy of one is so fresh I can clearly recognize it and walk away from it. So, during dinner, Tim and I decided to not
drag out the suspense any longer. We
walked to Mr. Osborne’s hotel, found him in the bar and asked to be debriefed
then and there. Of course, the first
part of what he had to tell us was negative. And after learning this is his
teaching style, I almost expected that it would be. He told us we had screwed up, but then went
on to say, “You know I have taught over 300 people to do this, I have seen a
huge range of people come through this same program. And, since I left Thailand, I have not had
two candidates come through that have the same amount of dedication,
seriousness and skill that you two have.
You have the potential to be very successful in the diving field. I think you have long and fruitful careers
ahead of you. It has been a true
pleasure.”
I nearly cried. It
was more positive feedback than I had ever received from the man. His entire expression had changed and I
realized he was seeing us as friends and no longer as students. On the walk home in the rain and the dark, I thought
about how perhaps Osborne was afraid that if he handed out compliments, that
his students would think they were doing well and stop trying, stop learning,
start slacking. Or that perhaps he was
so professional with such strict boundaries that he couldn’t be friendly and
kind with you until you were completely finished with the teacher/student
role. How strange to find that someone
who was so quick to point out every place where you were lacking, every little
thing you did incorrectly or not up to standard, actually thought you were
great after all. The part you really
wanted to hear, that you were always striving for, the part that would make all
the hard work and sincere effort worth it was for whatever reason the exact
part he didn’t say.
I am so grateful to Mr. Osborne for what he has taught me
directly about diving, and indirectly about being an instructor. I am certainly an improved guide and Dive Master
because of him. He taught me the
importance of giving feedback to my students as a Compliment Sandwich and reminded
me about relationships in life and what I need personally to stay emotionally
healthy. I find it funny how when you
set out to learn something, you often get all these extra unexpected life lessons along
the way which end up being the more important things to understand.
