Don't Worry (and You'll) Be Happy

I believe that worry is something that our society teaches us.  And within every concept we are taught is the ability to re-learn or unlearn it.  Worry is taught to be synomonous with caring about something. I feel that when someone worries about a situation, at the core of it, they want the situation to go well. The issue is of course, that they worry about how many ways the situation could go wrong because they want it to go well. It feels like an oxymoron to me.

Worry often has to do with the inability to accept uncertainty. We want to be absolutely certain about what is going to happen. But sometimes life surprises us. The interesting thing about uncertainty is that it could go either way - the likelihood of it turning out perfectly is just as possible as it turning out poorly. However, worrying about how many things could go wrong doesn’t make the situation more predictable. It ends up being hours of lost time in a negative mindset. And a negative mindset doesn’t help the situation at all, it sends negative energy towards the outcome. Focusing on the worst-case scenarios doesn’t keep you safe from bad things happening, it just takes you away from the good things happening in the present moment. An excellent mantra to help with this is: “I don’t know how it is going to turn out, I just know it is all going to work.”

This has come up lately because in the next two weeks I am going to board a plane by myself for the great wide open unknown.  A dear friend of mine recently hugged me and said “Don’t do anything that would make me go crazy, okay? I know you will be fine, but I worry about you.” Later she lay awake thinking about why the energy of what she had said didn’t feel right to her. I am delighted that we had a chance to talk it through the next morning.  I got that her worry was not creating a story of what might go wrong for me, but rather understood that in the core of her statement was the fact that she cared about me.

Is it possible to love someone and not worry about them when they take a big step into the unknown? What would the other options be? How about loving someone and supporting the best for them by thinking to yourself how it will go well for them, and thinking of all the ways it could turn out just right. This is the opposite of how we have been trained to think. And yet, the energy of it is so much more supportive.


My favorite metaphor for this is: Imagine you are sitting in a chair in a room and everyone you know and love are standing in front of you making eye contact. You see all of your family, your friends, your loved ones in this room. And they tell you just how worried they are about you. They are not sure about your decision. They are concerned for you. Their eyes are filled with worry and the room is heavy with the weight of doubt and anxiety. What an uncomfortable chair to be in! 

Now imagine the same situation. You are sitting in a chair in that same room, but this time all these people you know are telling you “You can do it!” and “I don’t know how this is going to turn out, but we believe in you. You can handle this.” and “I know you and I trust you will make the right choice.”  The energy in the room is completely different: positive, uplifting, loving.

We can give the people we love either the feeling of anxiety or of being supported when we think of them, and when we talk to them about their dreams, about the risks they are taking.
It is possible to separate love from worry. “I love you and support you.” feels completely different from “I am so worried about you.“ Consider this before responding.
Worry doesn’t accomplish anything other than making your heart and your mind sick. And it certainly isn’t supporting those we love when we are worrying about them.

The next time your response is worry, try playing the game of how many different ways it could go right instead. Don’t treat every negative thought as though it were a fact.

Uncertainty doesn’t automatically mean bad things will happen. Accept that uncertainty is part of life and remind yourself that it could always go better than you could even think of. Acknowledge that you have anxious thoughts, and that it is okay to let your worry go.

Instead of dwelling on possible futures, stay present in the moment and look for the things that there are to appreciate right now.

As for me, time to get out of that chair, get out of that room and get on a jet plane.

The Longest Hour of The Day - OR - How I Learned You Can Breathe Through Anything

Within each of us is the deep center of peace. No matter what happens, I trust that I am going to be okay. Even at times when I have been playing big in extreme sports and I get that this may be it, this may be my last moment, somehow instead of panic, I have a deep calm and I am fine with whatever comes. Even at times that I have been so very sad about an ending, and have cried it all out on the couch in front of some sappy chick flick, after the tears comes a sense of peace and I know I am going to be okay. This deep “okay-ness” this sense of clam and security is always there. Even through emotional, mental, physical turmoil, we can still connect to the calm center of our being and know we will be okay.
I went to a Hatha yoga class this morning at a studio I have never been to before. I squeezed my mat in between the tan tattoo girl and the guy in a tie-dye t-shirt facing a row of large windows with sheer red curtains. The teacher began with a theme about how it is possible to breathe through anything. Silently I agreed with her, yoga taught me that valuable lesson years ago. “With that in mind,” she said, “We are going to test the limits of what we can breathe through today with some intense core engaging poses.” My mind groaned. I may have chosen the wrong class. Oh well, I could breathe through it and how long could an hour and a half be anyway?
We started with Downward Dog, going into a balance pose on one leg and one arm. Then we drew the extended leg and arm in again and again, and yes, my core was engaged in a healthy tremble. There was a click and a rush of air. The room was very warm already, so I accepted this to be the sound of the air conditioner engaging and followed the class into a yoga pushup series. Then it became uncomfortably warm.
“I wonder,” said the instructor, “Did the heater just go on? I think it is 80 in here already. She left us in handstand and went out to see if she could turn off the heater. I breathed into my hands and shoulders. The heat was okay, the heat would be ending soon. The door clicked and our instructor walked by.
“Well, That’s odd. Apparently the heater is stuck on.” she said, casually dismissing it. “Oh, you can come down now.”
We moved into Frog pose. The temperature was uncomfortably warm and rising. A couple minutes into it, my thighs were screaming. I wanted out. But instead of backing out of the pose, I held my ground and breathed into the sensation. My mind teetered on the edge of panic partly because of the heat and mostly because my legs felt like they might rip off and be served with butter and garlic any minute.
Tie-dye tee guy was having trouble. Through his legs I could see the sweat drip off his nose and form a puddle. The heater was still on. A hot wind blew over both of us. The room felt very small. I took a deep inhale that ended in a sigh and remembered that this was only an hour. This was a very small portion of my life. And Frog pose had to only be another two minutes (I hoped!) of my life. Knowing that this moment, and this overwhelming sensation was just temporary brought me a sense of peace. The instructor took a deep breath in. I anticipated her releasing us from the agony. “Just another three minutes to go. You are doing great. Keep breathing through it”
Three minutes? My body feels like hell after just one minute and we have three minutes more to go? I might die! Death by scorched frog pose. That will be an interesting obituary to read: Girl dies of burnt frog legs.
I checked on Tie-dye guy. Yes, another minute and his lake of sweat would form a river. I hoped to God the yoga floor was not sloped and we would have no runaway rivers headed my way. I had better breathe into the pose now and enjoy breathing while I could, before I drowned in that river.
“Okay, gently use your hands to bring your legs back in.” My legs were so sore. I was surprised they didn’t creak as I drew them together. They weren’t going to speak to me for at least five minutes, if not days.
As we moved into Downward Dog and Plank, I considered asking the instructor to check the heater again. How could she be so causal about this? Oh well, the heater will just blare and bake us the entire class?! I regretted laying my stinky-feet-mat down next to that white grate. How did I miss that was a heating vent? My core was shaking like an earthquake in a tropical place. Another few degrees warmer and giant leaves might sprout from the walls and we would all have to fend off huge tropical insects.
I don’t do the heated Bikram Yoga classes exercising while being too hot has never appealed to me. I tend to get heatstroke in those situations. And now, in Plank, I could feel my cheeks flushing. My hair stuck to my face. My pulse quickened, but perhaps that was less from heatstroke and more from the effort of holding my body hovering over the mat in the pose.
I no longer liked the curtains I was facing. They were red decorations on the edges of an inferno. Couldn’t the studio have chosen a cooling color? What’s wrong with blue?
I peeked over at Tie-dye guy. Apparently men have sweat ducts on their elbows. Wow, you learn something new every day.
“Okay class. Lower through Chataranga to Cobra, and now down to your mat.”
Great. Face down in stinky feet. The heat seemed to accentuate the smell, or maybe that was the general body odor scent the room was developing. However, I was so grateful to just be laying still, no matter how sticky, no matter how stinky, just to be calm here and do nothing but release. It was then that I remembered, it was all okay. Inside this ungodly hot, smelly tropical oasis of effort, there was a sense of release. I still wanted to run to the bathroom and wash my face in cool water, but I knew I didn’t need to just yet. I wanted to move to a corner far away from the heating vent, but I didn’t need to. I wanted to walk past the instructor and go take a look at that heater gage myself, but I didn’t need to control it. Beneath my odor mat, my island from the widening lake of sweat from tie-dye guy, the floor was cool. We rolled over to Shivasana, and I fully relaxed. I was able to lay still. More still than I had been in weeks while remaining awake. I left Tie-dye guy in his lake and came back to my own mat, my own body and my own calm center and it was all okay. As difficult as it was, I brought my mind back to the present moment, back to my body, back to my own mat, my own practice. I studied the texture of the yoga mat below me. A borrowed mat. How many others had died here on this mat? This mat that smelled of feet. Stinky yoga toes.

Life Lessons 2012

Every year, around this time, I reflect on the year gone by and look at what I have learned. It has been a wonderful year with many valuable lessons, some large, some small. Again, my disclaimer is the same as it is every year: These things I list here are true for me. They may not be true for you. My intention is only to share.

I have learned that:

There is a difference between knowing something because you read it on Wikipedia, and knowledge gained from experience. What if there was no Wikipedia, no encyclopedia and all that we learned was first hand? We would know nothing of wars on the other side of the world, conflicts in other cities between people who speak other languages, or random facts about reptiles in the Amazon. We would know more about the places we have been to, more about the things that affect the people we know and love. It would be like the world without the drama of the media and the news. Interesting.

I have learned that I can have more fun in the present if I am not attached to an outcome. Like going fishing with a 5 year old: you can sit in the dirt and eat lunch first and you are not fishing but you are enjoying strawberries and paying attention to when you have reached a full point. You may skip rocks across the surface above the fish, and you are not fishing, you are playing. You may be untangling a huge chaos of fishing line for the better part of an hour, but you are not fishing, you are solving a puzzle. You may be chasing butterflies around the pond and you are not fishing, but you are having fun. If I was attached to only going fishing and catching fish, my focus would have been distracted during the other activities and I would have missed the special little person I shared the day with, the play, the fun, the ripe strawberries along the way.

I have learned how to make Risotto, (Italian sticky rice) the slow and attentive way with constant stirring for 45 minutes. You can not multitask in the kitchen when making risotto. You cannot talk on the phone when making risotto. You cannot leave the kitchen when making risotto. And this, I find, is a great change in how I cook. Being in one place and focusing on one thing, mmm, delicious. Yes, risotto helps me be in the present moment. I am hereby re-naming it Present Moment Rice.

I have learned the importance of saying “best possible” instead of “could have been worse.”  When things were going wrong in the past, I used to cheer myself up by saying, “Well, things could always be worse.” Now I cringe when I hear someone say that because I know that the biggest part that sticks out of that sentence is the term “worse,” and all the Universe hears is “worse,” and all you are drawing to yourself is “worse than this.”  When you say, “well, if that was going to happen, this seems to have been the best possible outcome” you are putting out an entire different frequency.

I have learned that Rufus Hummingbirds are territorial. They will not share their feeder with anyone else. Even when they are full and don’t want any, they will sit close by the feeding spot and chase off other birds or hummingfriends who would like to share the sweetness. I have dated guys like that. Anyhow, the way to solve this is to have two feeders and hang them on opposite sides of the house. Rufus cannot attack those he cannot see, and other birds can get a sip in while he is feeding on the other side.


I have learned that I am allergic to Wheat, Milk and Potatoes. Knowing this and adjusting my diet has made by body much happier.

I have learned what my energy feels like without any additives. I have learned that coffee gives me adrenaline energy. That’s fun at work, but when I get home, I am drained, having given too much, worked too hard, been over the top with my energy projection. What I am trying to say is that 32 ounces of caffeine in the morning makes me crazy uppity at first, but sleepy and lethargic by 3pm.  I do much better on 12 ounces of coffee a day.

I have learned to be careful with my energy. To know how much I have, to be realistic about what I can do in one day. I used to be a multi-tasker to a fault. It is okay to do less. It is okay to say NO to some things so I can show up 100 percent to other things. This is energy management.

I have also learned a lot about time management. Last year I worked three part-time jobs. My hours off from Job 1 were filled with Job 2, occasionally followed by Job 3. This led to 14 hour workdays, less than one day off per week and a consistently drained Sara. Much of this had to do with my relationship with money, I felt I needed to work every day of the week to have enough. This year I tried something different. I picked only one job and asked for full time with continguous days off. The income of this one job was the same as all three jobs combined and I actually had time to do the things I loved to do.
Part of time management was making myself a priority. I carefully considered new opportunities before saying yes. Even if they were opportunities for fun things, play things, new hobbies, etc. I would first ask myself, am I taking on too much? How much time will this new thing ask of me? Does this feed me or drain me? Would doing this be important a year from now?

I have learned that balance always involves movement.  Balance takes a particular amount of engagement and planning, and a certain amount of gentle release as well. I find in life, I balance best if I am not tightly wound, tightly attached to outcome, trying to pack too many things in at once, or pushing for something against the flow.

I have learned that a yoga practice needs to have focus on alignment for me to not feel like I have pulled a muscle afterwards. In knowing this, I have switched yoga studios from Hatha to Anusara Yoga and it is back to being a healthy practice without pain.

I have learned that change in temperature creates wind. And I have felt this phenomena first hand in a tiny aircraft 1,000 feet above the earth.

I have learned that the little plant Plantain with its wide oval shapped leaves and sinuous veins is an extractant. If you have a bee sting or a sliver you cannot remove, creating a poltice from crushed Plantain leaves will help purge the foreign article. I will also soothe the sting.

I have learned how to write query letters to magazines. A query letter is a short letter telling the editor of a magazine or website about a great topic they need to feature and why I am just the author they want to write it.

I have learned that the red oblong tropical Mountain Apples taste a lot like pears and they make a great snack after surfing.

I have learned that salted caramel bars make the best S’mores.

I have learned that there is a simple magic in knowing that you are cared about.

I have had the beautiful reminder to never assume. I never really know what people have gone through, or what they are dealing with. It is not that the nit-picky ones, the grumpy ones are simply mean hearted.  We are all human, dealing with the complexities and death and birth and change that life sends our way. Difficulty, loss, struggle, these are all situations that cause us to naturally stress, tighten up, retreat within and become short with others. The opportunities to change my thinking and assume less are everywhere if I am open to them.  The closed fist cannot shake hands, cannot receive. The closed mind cannot perceive another‘s humanness. The closed heart cannot receive love.



I have learned that two people can be in the same place, but be having completely different experiences. We are all choosing the nature of our experience. I do not have to allow the experience other people are having dictate my own. I can refrain from picking up the expectations of others, or their fears. I don’t have to agree and adopt how they say it will be, and I can differentiate that is how it will be for them and allow them their own experience.

I have been reminded that all we ever have is here and now. People are living and dying every day. We never know how long we have the people who are so special to us in our world.
I am reminded that most people don’t know how you feel about them until you tell them. I understand that some choose to not say I love you over and over because they fear it will get worn out and mean less. I disagree. Remind people that you love them because they might not be here tomorrow. You may not be here tomorrow. Share time and love and appreciation now while you have got it.


I have been to Kauai 7 times, but just this year I learned that there is a pod of dolphins off the coast. They are spinner dolphins and its exhilarating to see them from a stand up paddle board.

I have learned that its best to communicate to your surfing or paddling buddy that you are done and heading in before you paddle in and get out of the water alone.

I have figured out why Americans want to move to Costa Rica. Will I be one of them, possibly…we shall just have to see.

I have learned how to take care of my own needs. After a few years of practice, I have become quite efficient at this, which is remarkable. However, this year I learned that the extreme of this trait can step on someone else’s wants. In order to have balance, I need to allow others the same space to communicate their needs as I take to communicate my own.

Last year I learned how to so latte art with hearts and leaves. This year, I have taken it to a whole new level. Using espresso, milk and chocolate, I have made faces, elephants, mountains, lizards, butterflies, monkeys, giraffes, an octopus, a hummingbird, a unicorn, mermaids and kayakers on the tops of coffee drinks to add a little love and creativity into my customers’ day.


Have you ever been in a tropical place and noticed that there is rice in the salt shakers? This is to help prevent the salt from sticking together in a block when exposed to the moisture of humidity. This year I learned that when you drop your camera in the river while fishing with a 5 year old, if you put the camera in a bag of rice and leave it alone for 24 hours, it dries out and works just fine!

I have come to the realization that others will show up how they show up and I cannot control that. At first, I had a difficult time with people who do not behave like I do at the workplace. People who only do the bare minimum. That is of course, their choice, but it affects my day by creating more work for me to do. I went through a period of being upset with these people. But then, I understood that is how they show up, and I reached the point where I could just have a good laugh about it and move forward. I found that if I got to work ten minutes early, I could finish their job and then begin my own. I think this is rather similar to parenting. Remember when you used to resent your parents for doing things to you as a kid? And when upset and frustrated, you would vow to yourself, “I am never going to put my kids through that.” The only control you had over the situation was to not do the same thing as a parent yourself.
I find it is similar here. I can do everything expected of me in the workplace. I can sweep and mop, not leave broken pint glasses in the drains, remake chocolate when I use the last of it and help stock things for the next person because that is the only control I have - I get to control how I show up, (not how they show up) and how much I give to the job.

I have caught myself being polite and nice and saying things like, “I am sorry, I can’t do that.” I found that I used to say I am sorry, even when I was not, just to be polite. Doing this is like a tiny white lie. It is being inauthentic. Striving to be authentic, I have learned to be honest about what I can do and what I cannot do but only apologize when I am truly sorry. The same goes for when someone says or does something that hurts me, I don’t step over my feelings and say “Oh that’s okay.” Instead, I tell them how I feel so we can heal it before moving forward.  And I do not excuse actions that hurt me just so the other person will not be in an awkward place.

Along the same lines, I have learned that when someone says something that I am hurt by, I often take it the wrong way and make up a story about what they might mean by their comment and I take it personally. In the past, I would just leave. A couple of relationships of mine have ended because of something the other person said that I took in this manner. Then I learned to ask, “Is this what you mean by that comment, because this is how I took it…” And this year, I learned another tool around this.
If I say, “In my head, I am making up a story that you meant….” Then they have a chance to change the story and correct me. Wording things this way makes it even less accusatory and allows the conversation to remain on a level playing field instead of defensive and offensive. Nine times out of ten, that person did not mean what I thought they meant. Often it is a miscommunication and I get the opportunity to let go of my story and replace it with their true intention. I find it incredible that miscommunications used to end my relationships and now that I have more skills and tools these are just things that happen that we both move forward from in a loving way.

In a yoga retreat this year, I learned how to meditate. How to still my mind and sit without thinking.

I have learned that if you want others to support your cause, you need to support theirs also. Generosity often inspires others to give also.
   
There really is no sense in waiting to do the things you was to do. You don’t have to be the best, the fastest, the strongest or the most flexible. You just have to show up and be authentic. When you are connected to who you really are, you have a greater chance of connecting with others.


If we wait to be better than we are now, opportunities for things we want will continue to pass us by. When we are convincing ourselves we need a different set of circumstances in order to have what we want, we are not fully accepting who we are in this moment. The truth is, you are always capable of having what you want.


And now, after all this reflection about what I have learned, I ask myself, where would my energy be best spent in the coming year? Well, physically, that will be out in the world, beyond the borders of the United States - exploring 16 or more different countries and returning to some favorite hangouts. My energy would be best spent being awake, engaged, connecting with other cultures and ecosystems and of course, playing BIG on this journey.

I would like to devote energy to being a luxuriously paid travel writer.

I would like to work on securing the eternity of the present moment. Somehow I see being present, being awake in this moment as something so important that I have continued to remind myself of it year after year. This summer, I met a monk in orange robes under a banyan tree. I asked him how to secure the eternity of the present moment. He said it involves looking at what you are concerned about. Worried about the future, or dwelling on the past. Make peace with these things so you do not have to carry them into the present moment. If you are worried about something that might happen, come back to a mantra, for example: “All Is Well Right Now.” Use the mantra as often as needed, gently pulling yourself in to the present. And practice, practice, practice.
Perhaps securing the eternity of the present moment is part of what made this monk a guru. But what do I want out of it? A deeper experience, a more focused, whole and energetically available self in this moment.  A more vibrant life, and a calm mind. Mindfulness, wholeness, peace.