The Power of Choice

As adults, we make thousands of choices everyday. Some are little - should I enter the turn lane now or go after that black car? Others are big - what career path do I want to begin next?
When you look up choice in the dictionary, Webster uses a very key word in the definition - "Power." We have the power to choose. And when we use this power, every choice we make starts to create our reality. Even in the most simple terms: you are in the room you are in now because you chose to walk into it. Where you are now is because of path you chose.

Sounds wide open, doesn't it? We all start out with this power to choose absolutely anything, but then we limit that power.  Our choices are swayed by internal variables like our beliefs (what we believe we are capable of, what we believe we deserve, etc.) and also external variables like our physical surroundings. I worked a lot in my twenties to become aware of all the variables that swayed my choices and to break free from them. I found that my decisions were often based around what society dictated the "right" thing to do was, the fear of not being accepted or liked for my decision, obligations I had accepted, and my past programming from parents, teachers and the dream of the planet. By getting outside of these molds, my choices ended up being more unconventional, having more possibility and were more my own. This helped me shape a life that is truly tailored to me.

On my latest trip to England and Scotland, I found one more huge variable I didn't realize still swayed my path: Attachment.
But before I tell you the story, I'd like to give you a visual to help extrapolate how these variables I am talking about narrow your choices, lesson your power.

So, let's say that every line on this page is a path you can choose next, a direction you could possibly go. Picking any line from the bottom of the image and heading up or out.
That's a lot of options for you to choose from.

Now let's add in the effects of past conditioning from your parents, your teachers, your role models. Your choices are affected by what they would do, what they have taught you is the safe route, the best route to go. Let's say the shaded red areas (in the image below) are all the choices you rule out because it wouldn't be in alignment of what you have learned, how you have been conditioned.  The lines in the white space remaining are the only choices you would make, naturally, not going against your conditioning into the red zone.

Next, let's add in your beliefs of what you think is possible for you. People rarely choose to undertake something they think is impossible, something they know is out of reach. Beliefs are something intangible that actually keep us from physically doing many things. (Ever been asked - what would you do if you thought nothing was impossible? Opens up a lot of choices, doesn't it? ;)
Let's say that the green shaded areas are paths that are off limits in your mind because you don't believe you can achieve them. See how that green color of belief blocks most paths from reaching as high as the page goes? Now your power of choice is limited to only the paths in the white space because you won't go against your conditioning, and you won't go against your beliefs. These internal aspects are limiting your power of choice to just a few center lines.

Okay, now let's say when you go to make your choice you hesitate because you feel obligated. This is the pink line. You will only choose the pink line as your path because you feel obligated to do something. All other options are ruled out because you are going to choose to do what you feel you have to.  Same goes with attachment. When you are attached to things going a particular way, you will only make choices that align with that one single direction, so you will only choose the single path illuminated in pink. See how powerful attachment can be, and how limiting?

Now here's one to fry your noodle before I move into the full story: You choose to accept obligations - you choose to allow someone to make you feel obligated or not. When someone is making you feel obligated, you no longer hold the power of choice, they do. They are steering your ship. Also, on some level or another, you choose to be attached to an outcome. The greatest limits are self induced.

On my last trip, I was reminded first hand of how much attachment affects my choices, and I was able to overcome this and choose again. This trip was a solo one, which I have found exhilarating in the past. But this time, something had changed, and I couldn't sleep. Not for a glaring reason, I wasn't stressed at first, I didn't have anything on my mind, there wasn't anything that was unresolved that kept me awake. I was happy and excited to be there and increasingly tired, but sleep alluded me. Those of you who know me well know I am ruled by sleep - with less sleep I have a tough time focusing, navigating, speaking coherently, and am not myself. Nights in a row without it in Europe and I had a hard time enjoying where I was. I tried so many different things - herbal remedies, sleepy teas, vigorous exercise, counting 2000 sheep, counting 2000 sheep backwards, reading, meditating,  even a pharmaceutical prescription to knock me out. Nothing touched it.

When traveling as a solo woman, you've got to be on your game: aware, focused, have a plan. Days without sleep and I wasn't meeting any of those requirements. And I was doing some big stuff too - renting a beast of a vehicle and driving on the opposite side of the road long distances to remote locations, navigating alone through the underground maze of public transportation all in a foreign place, etc.

After a week of just a few hours of quality rest, the insomnia was affecting my ability to have a good time, and I became very stressed out. It was an uncomfortable place to be. I thought that at this rate I'd need a week after I got home to catch up on sleep and relax, but worried it wouldn't be possible to take yet another week from work. In focusing on home - Maui - I couldn't think of anywhere more relaxing. And I realized, if I wanted to go home, I could. I didn't need to wait a week or keep moving forward just because my ticket dictated that. People change their flights all the time. Sure I was attached to seeing Scotland, but the state I was in surely wouldn't yield much enjoyment.

Sometimes we choose to do big things, we choose to take on huge responsibility, or big projects, and they don't always pan out. Sometimes they drain us instead of feed us, sometimes we aren't happy with our choice, and sometimes it's just not where we are supposed to be. That's okay. No matter what's invested, you can always make more money. Plans are just a course we follow until we choose another course. I realized that when I have money invested in something I feel obligated to stay.  Likewise, when I've invested a lot of time and energy in something that isn't working, I still feel obligated to stay. But time is even more valuable than money and is more finite. The present moment is one of the most valuable things we have. if you're not enjoying your time doing something, instead of looking back at where you've spent it, look to how you could enjoy it now and make another choice.

I think in the past I've been guilty of beating a dead horse going nowhere because I was so attached to where the horse was originally going. They say you either roll with life or you get run over. Rolling with it often involves being flexible. You're always free to choose something different. That's the power of choice.

As soon as I let go and chose to go home, everything became easier. Tickets were quick to reschedule and when I called to cancel the bookings for the next week, businesses were very understanding and refunded me. So although I had felt obligated to stay the plan because of all I had invested even if I was unhappy, it turned out that I lost nothing in changing my plan to go home where I could relax.
 
16 hours of flights later, when our plane descended through the storm clouds and I could see Maui out my window, I started to cry. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to live here, so incredibly happy to be coming back home here. I've taken countless journeys and come home to three states, but this time was different. Although I was often happy to return, I had never been this moved by seeing familiar landmarks.  I have been drawn to jungle places, and while flying in for the first time to explore tropical countries, I have wondered beyond the airplane window what it would be like to live there. Looking out this time, I remembered that curiosity, and felt so grateful that because of a choice I made, this beautiful tropical place is my home.

When we get outside of our attachments, we can more effectively use the power of choice. Our choices can be limitless - they don't have to be bound by our past programming, our social learning, obligations or even where we applied ourselves last. Only when you give yourself permission to let go, can you live into new possibilities. 

How about you? When you set out to make another big choice, pay attention to what comes up in the decision making process. One of the things I learned around all this is that every part of our self is with us because we choose to hold on to it. If you come up against limiting programing, or limiting beliefs consider re-writing them.  After all, the greatest limits are self induced. And, if you feel obligated to do something, definitely look into that obligation. Re-evaluate your attachment. It is ruling your choice and, as I have found this week, it doesn't need to.  Remember, you're the one steering this ship. No limits have to apply and no one else decides where you go, unless you let them.

The Pizza

Ah, traditional margarita pizza, made with buffalo mozzarella. The secret is all in the cheese. If done right, it should be squeaky between your teeth, boiling hot, floating in a homemade sauce of tomatoes you just saw in the kitchen whole - a pizza that blooms over the plate like a giant tomato garlic flower. This has become something of a tradition every time I come to Europe. I sat before a pizza like this in Italy fifteen years ago.  My, how I was different then. The pizza, oh the pizza's still the same of course.  But as I sit in front of it, I reflect on how the woman I am now is different from the girl I was on that first trip out of the country. I hadn't yet seen the world, so how could I know my place in it? I was just starting to learn who I was, I wasn't aware of my own value and therefore didn't defend it. I didn't have the confidence I do now. I had the makings of the adventuresome gutsy gal but hadn't grown into them nor explored the limits.

The last time I enjoyed a pizza like this it was my very first time outside of the states. As I sit before this pizza I reflect what I learned on that journey, and the journeys abroad since then and how they've helped me become who I am today. Many things in London are the same fifteen years later: the tube packed at rush hour, the double decker busses, the early morning bakeries with proper croissants. I return to this city changed by life, by experience, by the journeys. I turned 18 in this city. That night, I took a cab to a bar and ordered my first legal drink, 'Sex on the Green' (the Green is a large park here, and this drink is similar to 'Sex on the Beach,' but more polite). While waiting for said drink, the man next to me at the long wooden bar struck up a conversation. He was a musician, inspired, fun. This was big for me - to talk to a complete stranger, as I was still painfully shy and introverted. My sense of humor was the same but you'd never know it because we wouldn't get far enough into a conversation for me to joke with you before I retreated into my shell. I remember being struck by the creative spark in his eyes. I'd never spoke with a professional musician before and he reminded me of an artist, naturally.

Weeks later on a train through the Alps to Switzerland, my mind returned to the conversation and how inspired that man was in his chosen profession, I realized in a variety of ways, I wanted that. Where did that spark show up for me? When I was teaching someone. So I made a list of goals. Which was, I realize now, basically my 18 year old self talking to my older version in a journal. I wrote: #1 marry an artist  #2 become a teacher  #3 seek to understand and capture beauty.

I see her clearly, that young naive girl in a train, the rose bud yet to bloom. The essence is the same, but I've learned so many tips for traveling as the solo woman like: Always walk like you know where you're going. Don't count your money in public. Italy taught me don't make eye contact with men you don't know and smile. Don't arrive after dark and try to navigate. Never tell any man where you're staying, even in casual conversation. In a crowded subway,  put your back to the wall, hold hand over bag zipper. Never take a taxi after dark that doesn't say TAXI on the side. You know, the basics.

Since learning these things, London is more comfortable. And funny thing, as I know myself better, the world is also more comfortable too. I return to the same place as that girl, digging into the same incredible pizza, enjoying the same things in life, just with new eyes.  What ever became of that timid redhead? She grew up, found herself, became a teacher, met and married an amazing kind hearted creative artist, and is still traveling, still tinkering with the camera, most inspired when capturing beauty. Perhaps on the next train ride, it's time to make a list...to my next future self. I wonder what she'll be like?