Transition: Moving Through The Unknown to Security

Why is the unknown scary?  For the same reason that night is more frightening than day.  In the day, you can see where you are going. But at night the unfamiliar could be dangerous .  Even if that’s leggos left in the hallway – when you cannot see where you are going, it’s a little scary. My personal theory is that the unknown is scary because we cannot control it.   So it’s natural to feel lost when you don’t know what’s next – when your future is unknown.  I think we have all had times in our life where we are making a change – rather that's the end of a relationship, the end of a job, moving through transition, moving to a new city or a personal shift within - when we don’t know what comes next, the future is suddenly very open.  Many people who find themselves in this position focus on the scary aspects of the situation rather than the openness created by it.  Perhaps it is a human trait to crave security – to not be able to operate unless we have it. The security of having a home or knowing at least where it will be, feeling we can safely meet our needs, having enough to eat and knowing where your next meal is coming from – these are all part of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs which do, in our society revolve around the next paycheck.  So when a regular job ends and the paycheck is not promised nor reliable our security is compromised and we slip into the unknown.  When you change your routine – no longer head to work every morning for example – there is a space that your job once took up that is now a void in your life.  When you are no longer putting your energy into something, the energy comes back to you and you wonder what to do with it.  Some people immediately put this energy into worry, which, rather they realize it or not, is a choice.  And therein lies a key to feeling better.  In all this unknown, what we can control is our mind and our emotions – we choose our reactions and our attitude.  You can’t always choose what happens to you but you can choose your attitude about what happens to you.  I am not saying that’s easy.  But it can be done with a lot of diligence and practice.  Why do it then, if it’s difficult?  For starters, hopelessness doesn’t feel very good.   Some of the most beautiful things in life take practice – a violinist doesn’t just learn the notes overnight – he has to practice, several times a day, develop the skill, learn to tell his fingers to move in particular rhythms with his mind. It takes practice to control your attitude.  And remarkably, your attitude determines what’s next for you. 

I am currently experiencing all this first hand.  Taking a risk – leaping from the comfortable security of a country I know, a job I know and a home I know to embrace the unknown in hopes that something different will come, something better.  I am taking this risk to have the experience I want of living and working outside of the country.  Tim and I just took an 11,000 dollar course – investing all we had into becoming Scuba instructors.     After the class, we were elated, and then that slowly wore off  and we were left wondering when does our career begin? Where do we want to be? We started applying – daily checking the dive classifieds and sending off resume after resume.  Weeks of this and not hearing back started to pick at the edges of my consciousness and I fought my mind not to play the ‘what if’ game as I watched our savings dwindle.  One morning we were both quite stressed about it – not knowing how it was all going to work out and trying to stay positive.  So we went for a swim. 

Here in Thailand, the ocean is about 81 degrees and our little island has several other tiny islands off the coast, so we swim to a neighboring island and back.  It’s a great form of exercise.  I moved through the soreness in my shoulders on the way to the island and just kept going.  Finally my breath evened out and my body found a routine that was sustainable with swimming and I reached the island and turned around without stopping.  I realized that yes, it was uncomfortable not knowing where we were going to end up or when.  But transition is always uncomfortable in the middle.  I felt like I was mentally and emotionally between two islands as well – having left something secure, relying on myself to stay afloat until I reached the next solid footing.  But what’s in between is beautiful – warm and clear green ocean, shimmering with fish, under a bright blue sky.  When swimming in the open ocean, if you focus on the risk of drowning, or dwell on the ‘what ifs’ that could harm you, then you miss the beauty of the sea.  I remembered that it’s important to embrace where you are.  Find what is working about where you are now, see the beauty in the open space that is the void, and keep moving forward. 

I started thinking - We are on an island in Thailand for goodness sake!  We should be savoring it, living fully in its beauty and taking advantage of where we are while we are here!  Sure we don’t know how long we are here, but why not shift our focus to being right here right now and enjoy.   Then I immediately remembered that I was in control of my attitude and my emotions.  Sulking around worrying in the house all day wasn’t helping us find a job.  Being afraid wasn’t helping.  All I could do was my best: keep moving forward, keep exploring options and applying diligently. And control my attitude – stay hopeful and control what I focused on – focus on trusting that it’s all going to work out in the best possible way.  Surrender to not knowing how it works out or where, just trust it will.  I remember being in transitional places like this before in my life and I got through them – something good always came along.  I always found a job, my needs were always met.  So I relaxed mentally and by the time I had swum back to my island, I felt better.  I had something I could control – my attitude and direction of focus.  Rather than living in fear and lack, I decided to shift my focus from finding a job to enjoying where I was and living in the beauty of the moment, to trusting it would all come together. 

When we returned from our swim, we made arrangements to go out and play on the island – to create delicious meals from organic vegetable farms nearby, to go to yoga in the mornings, to take a scooter road-trip on the beach roads to explore, and I got busy with enjoying life. And that’s when we got the email response from Borneo saying they would love to have us come work with them guiding trips and teaching in a completely new place!  A place that is in the top locations to dive in the world, once explored by Jacques Cousteau!  When we received the job offer,  I fully understood that it was shifting my attitude that created the opening for good things to come into my life and for the next island to appear in the distance knowing that I have everything I need with in me to swim the distance to get there. 

That being said, here are some key pieces that I found helpful to getting through transitions and dealing with the unknown.

Keep moving forward.  Like Dori says on the kids' movie 'Finding Nemo,' "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming." Exercise helps! Stay active. Instead of standing staring at the door that has just closed in your life, turn around! Keep exploring options. Keep breathing.

Trust. Know that you've been here before (several people have) and it worked out. If you are  trusting, you are staying open to possibility.  See the open space as a chance for things to come that are even better than they were.  You know that old saying- This or something better. 

You won't be in this place forever.  Make sure you are not missing out on the life happening around you while in transition.  What is there in this day that you could enjoy? What is still working in your life? Relationships with friends, family, pets, etc?  How can you give energy towards what's working? Focusing on these things helps you reach for something that feels better.  It's just like using a muscle - you can get better at directing your focus if you practice.  Use mind diligence and come back to seeing what is working again and again.  Remember - similar to swimming in the open ocean - if you are focused on drowning or being eaten you will miss the colorful fish, the beauty of the water, the freedom of where you are at.  Focusing on what's still working - even if it is something as simple as being grateful for your health - helps you calm down. 

Choose your attitude.  Sometimes the unknown is scary because you cannot control what is happening to you, cannot know what comes next. Take responsibility for knowing that amidst all this that you cannot control, you still can control how you react to it and your attitude towards it.  That is completely up to you.  Remember your attitude determines what happens next!