"The giving of Love is an education in itself." -Eleanor Roosevelt
Life gives us opportunities to come in contact with different kinds of people, and I feel that working in food service gives us twice the dose in half the time. In a coffee shop. I create food and drinks for people I normally would not approach, and I end up having deep conversations with personalities I may never talk to otherwise.
In the coffee house setting, I try to treat all people equally, with kindness. I sincerely enjoy the opportunity the job gives me to talk to people, to give them a little love, rather that is thru a positive anecdote, a compliment, a tasty comforting drink made just the way the like it, or in many cases, a physical hug. Yes, I tend to walk around that counter several times a day to throw my arms around someone who may really need it. Those who are not as lucky as myself to have family and close friends in this area, with an abundance of hugs just a mile away. And I have so much extra love to share. This job is fulfilling for me because of these types of uplifting interactions.
That being said, yesterday a little old man came in and ordered dinner. He is a regular customer, and filled me in on what a rough month it has been. He had worry, concern, sorrow and some kind of tight anger running the show. I treat him as I do everyone, looking for an opportunity to be kind. And when it comes to dessert, I offer to purchase it for him with my tip money. I don’t want to be close enough to his situation to hug him, so I can hopefully brighten up his day with dessert.
Instead of accepting, he turns the conversation around and makes a hurtful comment about who I am as a person, using what information he has acquired from being a regular at the coffee shop. He insults me and then continues to point fun at me, building on the mean comment.
This put-down is aimed at me, it seems to be about me, directed specifically at me but I choose to not take it personally. I immediately acknowledge it as a hurtful comment, but I don’t feel hurt. Instead, I take a deep breath and truly look at this guy. I can see the stress in his eyes, in the way he holds himself. In the way he clutches his keys so tightly his knuckles turn white. And I suddenly feel so sorry for him. He has just lashed out and attacked me verbally and all I have is compassion. He stands there waiting for my response to his barbed tounge’s lashing.
“I am sorry about your situation.” I tell him, as I pass over the slice of triple chocolate cake. “I can see you are in a rough place, I can feel it. It feels very uncomfortable. I do hope that things get better for you. At least temporarily through chocolate!” And I smile and leave the conversation.
“You’re right. Its awful.” he grumbles, but now his tone has changed. Softened by compassion, or perhaps just the mouthful of cake.
I got a lot more out of this interaction than the chance to do something kind for a grumpy old man. I turned away with a realization. In my past, I have believed that there are nice people and there are mean people. And now I re-construct this. I think that mean people are just suffering people. It is my impression that the tone he used with me was the same tone he uses with himself. One must be full of emotional poison to be able to inflict it on others. Many times, people speak hurtfully when they are hurt themselves. They are reacting. Look at a stereotypical un-healthy relationship. He hurts her so she reacts immediately by saying something to hurt him. As if it makes her feel better? Does that make it fair? Does it actually make her pain go away to in turn hurt her partner? I don’t really know, as I refuse to be that other half. I can end that cycle by pausing, breathing, and looking at where the person is coming from, by having empathy and compassion, by not participating in the cycle.
What the man said last night was hurtful, but I was not going to hurt him back. I actually wasn’t even going to choose to be hurt by it. Because I understand where he is coming from, and I get his insults were the same energy of how he feels deep inside, merely a projection and not really about me at all. This encourages me, when in difficult interactions, to take more time to think before I respond. To not just take it personally and react immediately, but look at where that person is coming from first. In this case it changed the situation completely.
On another note, this situation has not jaded me on being kind. Some people are willing participants, and receive as openly as I give. Others do not, and I am okay with that. I have tapped into some kind of shimmering unlimited joy, that never runs out, so I am in a good place to share. And I may never know how far it goes. The affects of interaction ripple out farther than I can see. I stand and skip stones because it bring me joy, how far the ripples extend is not the point.
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