Don't Worry (and You'll) Be Happy

I believe that worry is something that our society teaches us.  And within every concept we are taught is the ability to re-learn or unlearn it.  Worry is taught to be synomonous with caring about something. I feel that when someone worries about a situation, at the core of it, they want the situation to go well. The issue is of course, that they worry about how many ways the situation could go wrong because they want it to go well. It feels like an oxymoron to me.

Worry often has to do with the inability to accept uncertainty. We want to be absolutely certain about what is going to happen. But sometimes life surprises us. The interesting thing about uncertainty is that it could go either way - the likelihood of it turning out perfectly is just as possible as it turning out poorly. However, worrying about how many things could go wrong doesn’t make the situation more predictable. It ends up being hours of lost time in a negative mindset. And a negative mindset doesn’t help the situation at all, it sends negative energy towards the outcome. Focusing on the worst-case scenarios doesn’t keep you safe from bad things happening, it just takes you away from the good things happening in the present moment. An excellent mantra to help with this is: “I don’t know how it is going to turn out, I just know it is all going to work.”

This has come up lately because in the next two weeks I am going to board a plane by myself for the great wide open unknown.  A dear friend of mine recently hugged me and said “Don’t do anything that would make me go crazy, okay? I know you will be fine, but I worry about you.” Later she lay awake thinking about why the energy of what she had said didn’t feel right to her. I am delighted that we had a chance to talk it through the next morning.  I got that her worry was not creating a story of what might go wrong for me, but rather understood that in the core of her statement was the fact that she cared about me.

Is it possible to love someone and not worry about them when they take a big step into the unknown? What would the other options be? How about loving someone and supporting the best for them by thinking to yourself how it will go well for them, and thinking of all the ways it could turn out just right. This is the opposite of how we have been trained to think. And yet, the energy of it is so much more supportive.


My favorite metaphor for this is: Imagine you are sitting in a chair in a room and everyone you know and love are standing in front of you making eye contact. You see all of your family, your friends, your loved ones in this room. And they tell you just how worried they are about you. They are not sure about your decision. They are concerned for you. Their eyes are filled with worry and the room is heavy with the weight of doubt and anxiety. What an uncomfortable chair to be in! 

Now imagine the same situation. You are sitting in a chair in that same room, but this time all these people you know are telling you “You can do it!” and “I don’t know how this is going to turn out, but we believe in you. You can handle this.” and “I know you and I trust you will make the right choice.”  The energy in the room is completely different: positive, uplifting, loving.

We can give the people we love either the feeling of anxiety or of being supported when we think of them, and when we talk to them about their dreams, about the risks they are taking.
It is possible to separate love from worry. “I love you and support you.” feels completely different from “I am so worried about you.“ Consider this before responding.
Worry doesn’t accomplish anything other than making your heart and your mind sick. And it certainly isn’t supporting those we love when we are worrying about them.

The next time your response is worry, try playing the game of how many different ways it could go right instead. Don’t treat every negative thought as though it were a fact.

Uncertainty doesn’t automatically mean bad things will happen. Accept that uncertainty is part of life and remind yourself that it could always go better than you could even think of. Acknowledge that you have anxious thoughts, and that it is okay to let your worry go.

Instead of dwelling on possible futures, stay present in the moment and look for the things that there are to appreciate right now.

As for me, time to get out of that chair, get out of that room and get on a jet plane.